GIMME MORE

Use me.

Use me. Bend me. Take advantage of me. Order me. Do me. Break me. Consume me.

Use me till I'm depleted and weary. Take all that I can offer. Order me to do your bidding. Do anything to me coz I won't mind being of service. Break me. Break me in half, break me into little pieces. Break me till I'm all but dust. I promise not to care, I vow not to mind. I want to be consumed 100 percent. I crave to that feeling of going home worn and almost stripped naked from exhaustion. I want to be pushed to my limit, all my potentials exposed. Drive me nuts by forcing me to give all that I can and all that I cannot. Don't let my goods remain in their silent slumber. There's so much I could give, so many patients I could help. I keep feeling that I'm at the wrong place., caring for the patients others could also care for just as equally good, even better. I can't erase this feeling that the other patients, the ones who needed all that I can give, are waiting. And my blood boils when I think of them. I want to touch their pulses and hear the beating in their chests. I've realized only now how strong this Calling of mine really is. I'm torn between not wanting to become a disappointment for those doctors and people who hired me, not wanting to break their expectations, and between having to answer to the Call that my heart had painstakingly longed for.

I'm a Cathlab/Cardio nurse for the past 2 years. Now I'm working at Jarim, a maternity hospital. Working here, I've realized that you can never say that all fields of nursing are the same. I can work perfectly well here as a labour and delivery nurse, I can be good at it... but the passion just isn't there. I couldn't suppress the cries of my heart, couldn't stop hurting, couldn't stop thinking that there's just so many things I could do for people if I were on the right place. I don't feel like I am right now. I've realized my true Calling only when I've been separated from it. Now I realize that no matter where they put me, I'll forever be a Cardio nurse. I had to let go of what i had to realize how important and how deeply it makes me who I am. The people at Jarim are nice folks who'd the initiative to hire me and work my visa for me. I couldn't stop being grateful to them even if I wanted to or even if they'd turn me away. I just hope and pray... that they'd understand how much I needed to answer the Call. There just can't be any other way.


I realized I wasn't as mean and as cold hearted as I originally thought I was. Whatever people might think after what I'm about to do in the very near future, I'm not as selfish as how I'd appear to be. How can I be so cold and ungrateful when just the thought of leaving that place makes my heart ache and my chest constrict it makes me hard to breathe? I'm so fucking thankful to them that it breaks my heart thinking about how I'll most definitely disappoint them and not meet their expectations. They've planned so many things for me, how I'll be given some tasks they didn't dare assign to others. It makes me proud that they could trust me like that considering I've just started with them last couple of months ago. I'm so thankful to them that i can't stop thinking about the hundred ways to which I could contribute to their hospital's welfare. I truly wanted to help them and I truly wanted to repay ten fold all the love and kindness they've shown me... But there is just no way that I could resist my true Calling--what I believe I'm made for, how I could fulfill the destiny I believe  and save lives. I can actually picture my self for another couple of years more in my current hospital. I like the people there, it's ok. I can see my self being a Labour and Delivery nurse and having a good working relationship with the doctors and other staff. I'd help with all I have and exceed whatever's encompassed by the contract. That's just the way I am. I give my loyalty and expect to feel it. What I couldn't possibly live with  is not having to fulfill my Calling. I won't be able to live with myself knowing Life has finally made path between me and that which I'm best at. My heart cries just at the thought of finally being able to work around the cardio patients. It's just the way I am. Such is my passion. I don't have the strength to resist it. I'll forever be grateful to Jarim (my current work) but being a Cathlab nurse is just the one thing that makes everything else pale in comparison. There's so much I can do for the Cardio patients. I just know it. Like fitting the pieces of the puzzles together.