GIMME MORE

Use me.

Use me. Bend me. Take advantage of me. Order me. Do me. Break me. Consume me.

Use me till I'm depleted and weary. Take all that I can offer. Order me to do your bidding. Do anything to me coz I won't mind being of service. Break me. Break me in half, break me into little pieces. Break me till I'm all but dust. I promise not to care, I vow not to mind. I want to be consumed 100 percent. I crave to that feeling of going home worn and almost stripped naked from exhaustion. I want to be pushed to my limit, all my potentials exposed. Drive me nuts by forcing me to give all that I can and all that I cannot. Don't let my goods remain in their silent slumber. There's so much I could give, so many patients I could help. I keep feeling that I'm at the wrong place., caring for the patients others could also care for just as equally good, even better. I can't erase this feeling that the other patients, the ones who needed all that I can give, are waiting. And my blood boils when I think of them. I want to touch their pulses and hear the beating in their chests. I've realized only now how strong this Calling of mine really is. I'm torn between not wanting to become a disappointment for those doctors and people who hired me, not wanting to break their expectations, and between having to answer to the Call that my heart had painstakingly longed for.

I'm a Cathlab/Cardio nurse for the past 2 years. Now I'm working at Jarim, a maternity hospital. Working here, I've realized that you can never say that all fields of nursing are the same. I can work perfectly well here as a labour and delivery nurse, I can be good at it... but the passion just isn't there. I couldn't suppress the cries of my heart, couldn't stop hurting, couldn't stop thinking that there's just so many things I could do for people if I were on the right place. I don't feel like I am right now. I've realized my true Calling only when I've been separated from it. Now I realize that no matter where they put me, I'll forever be a Cardio nurse. I had to let go of what i had to realize how important and how deeply it makes me who I am. The people at Jarim are nice folks who'd the initiative to hire me and work my visa for me. I couldn't stop being grateful to them even if I wanted to or even if they'd turn me away. I just hope and pray... that they'd understand how much I needed to answer the Call. There just can't be any other way.


I realized I wasn't as mean and as cold hearted as I originally thought I was. Whatever people might think after what I'm about to do in the very near future, I'm not as selfish as how I'd appear to be. How can I be so cold and ungrateful when just the thought of leaving that place makes my heart ache and my chest constrict it makes me hard to breathe? I'm so fucking thankful to them that it breaks my heart thinking about how I'll most definitely disappoint them and not meet their expectations. They've planned so many things for me, how I'll be given some tasks they didn't dare assign to others. It makes me proud that they could trust me like that considering I've just started with them last couple of months ago. I'm so thankful to them that i can't stop thinking about the hundred ways to which I could contribute to their hospital's welfare. I truly wanted to help them and I truly wanted to repay ten fold all the love and kindness they've shown me... But there is just no way that I could resist my true Calling--what I believe I'm made for, how I could fulfill the destiny I believe  and save lives. I can actually picture my self for another couple of years more in my current hospital. I like the people there, it's ok. I can see my self being a Labour and Delivery nurse and having a good working relationship with the doctors and other staff. I'd help with all I have and exceed whatever's encompassed by the contract. That's just the way I am. I give my loyalty and expect to feel it. What I couldn't possibly live with  is not having to fulfill my Calling. I won't be able to live with myself knowing Life has finally made path between me and that which I'm best at. My heart cries just at the thought of finally being able to work around the cardio patients. It's just the way I am. Such is my passion. I don't have the strength to resist it. I'll forever be grateful to Jarim (my current work) but being a Cathlab nurse is just the one thing that makes everything else pale in comparison. There's so much I can do for the Cardio patients. I just know it. Like fitting the pieces of the puzzles together.

Love In the Ice 2

Maybe it's not really falling in love. Then again maybe it IS and my feelings are just shifting gears because I have to face the cards of reality that are lain in the table from the start. And while I'm definitely recovering from the fall and while the gears are most probably turning, it doesn't change the fact that the feelings are rooted from love and affection and adoration. The result now is that my protective instincts are overpowering over him. I'm a stubborn, strong lady for everyone I care for, while I can be weak and at time powerless when myself is concerned. And right at this moment I can say that I fiercely care and worry for him unconditionally. He is a dear friend, a marvelous and adorable person, a good man, a vibrant soul. These are all I need to see and know. What I first recognized as non-platonic feelings may now be turning into sisterly love. It's still beautiful and as irreplaceable as any other kinds of love. He is now a brother and a good friend I'd die fighting for,. He'll have whatever little or big that I can offer.


~~



If I am a man..., then he is my counterpart. (Setting aside my dear NOX, that is.^^) He is always a step ahead of me which I could say is the very thing I've been looking for. Someone as strong and as stubborn yet kind and loving. Someone snark and witty, ruthless and fierce, yet as gentle and delicate. Someone who can be as silent as a grave yet so colorful and so full of life inside. Someone who has myriads of mysteries with him that not a single day would be the same as the last. He is simply beautiful in his corporeal form.... but more so in the inside.


My heart soars and my soul sings when he is around.


He is beautiful.


It's beautiful.

CALLING

It'll comprise my whole world.
The weight's so strong it already leaves me standing on my knees,
Leaves me begging for it, praying, asking and scraping,
Leaves me weak at its mercy.
It'll demand my undying and unwavering loyalty,
And I shall gladly oblige and hand it all that I can offer.
Such is my Passion that I'll surrender to its call.
The core of my soul is at its whim,
Like a dog tied by the leash, the handle on her hand.
Such is my Calling that its summon
leaves me quivering in excitement to be finally on its side.
Such is this Calling.
I've finally found that one thing
I could do till I go old and weary
and not get tired of it.



I am a Cathlab Nurse.


I shout it at the world.

PERFECT

Your existence is exquisite
A blend of everything in beauty
Your faults are quite a pleasure
Even angels shall be envious of

Your flare is such a marvel
Being both of grace and ruthlessness
Its flicker I know not to touch
But to worship it from afar


So come, look at me, talk to me,
smile at me
No matter what look, what manner,
what fault you show
I'd smile and appreciate it all
It's unconditional, what I have for you
Ain't it beauty, ain't it bad?


So no don't cower from me
No, don't ever feel ashamed
You will never know and I will never tell
This silent worship shall be enough
For it is what I can only offer
and what you'll ever need.

Love In the Ice

My heart have many desires. One of them I will tell now. The one that caught me by surprise- unaware and unprepared. The one thing I swear I didn't even think of.


I am falling for someone. And I so definitely think he likes men.

Yes.



I am so fucked.


Of all the kinds of men I imagine myself being in love with, he's definitely someone I didn't let myself think about. Since the very moment I met him, I knew deep down that he's never gonna look twice in my direction. I am not the right sex he's batting for. He may not be saying that he's gay but I know. I've been surrounded by homosexuals almost my entire adult life not to recognize even the most subtle of signs. And believe me... he's got loads of them. I can't even remember and fathom when and where it started, this silly little thing of mine. The fact just dawned on me, like an unexpected rain suddenly falling from the sky one summer day. Make it a thunderstorm even, and realize how strong it is for me.


Do you even want to know how this came to be? Do I even want to trace where all of this started?

The fact that he may be gay? It doesn't bother me one bit. I see the person that he is and I think that's the thing that matters most. I might even be liking him for it. I don't know. At this point I'd like to think I'm like an angel. Gender-less. Boundless.


What I know now is that he's someone I'm so attracted to. And I know that he's someone I can see myself living with for the rest of my life. I can see us working out. I can see us getting along fairly well. I don't want to go to whether or not HE can see us working out a future though. I might not even be his type so given the chance he's straight. I just know for myself that with the little time we got to spend together, I already fiercely care for him. I am at his call. He has my fealty and my protective instincts are in gear to support him.

And what about the sexual attraction that has to be present normally for a normal couple to exist? I definitely have strong, pulsating attraction towards him. (So freakin' fucked, that I am). It already has a life of its own at this point. I cannot kill it. Do not want to kill it. The only option left is whether or not I want to fan it so it'll go stronger or I'll have to ignore it so it won't get to a very dangerous level where I might be tempted to tell him about it and risk this beautiful friendship we have now. This newborn relationship I so deeply treasure and care about.


I've never in my entire life met someone I could say I can see myself living with so just saying I can picture him in my life for years to come is saying a lot. Like declaring that I am so on the verge of ruin because I wouldn't for my life be able to quench this fire and affection I have for him. Already he's making me want to be beautiful. Making me want to be magnificent and great. Making me pick up all the pieces of my former self and making me want to revive every fiber of potential I have in my existence. He makes me want to be a wonderful person. Makes me want to try dancing in the rain. So tell me... how can I not love him?


Like every person I ever liked though, he's only gonna be a close friend. We'll be great. We'll stay close for years. I'll be fiercely protective of him. I'll always hold him in high regard. I'll always feel dearly towards him. But I'm only gonna be his friend. Whatever I have for him, however strong this attraction of mine is, I know how to recognize the beautiful things in life. He's already one in mine.


I'm not stupid to be disillusioned. To be delusional. I just know that whatever kind of love this is, no matter if it's right or wrong, platonic or not, or whether or not it'll survive, I know not to touch it. I can only look at it from afar. Can only encase it in a protective shell and appreciate its beauty... because that's what love is, you just treasure it and be grateful for it. I'm not gonna kill that which is living. I'm a cruel person. I'll be cruel to myself. Because in this kind of cruelty, I believe I can find solace and one bright star I can always look up to when I'm feeling forlorn. So yes, I'd opt to be cruel to myself to be able to continue feeling something this unconditional and great towards someone.


He's a formidable one,the apple of my life. I'll tell you about him and maybe then you'll understand.



~~

NORAGO. It's You

I've been foul. I've had my share of bad days. I'll most certainly have more as the days go by. NOT today, though. It's such a wonder how some songs seem to be able to summon your good spirits from nowhere. I'm all about Asian songs today. I'm now listening to Norago by Super Junior.  It makes me feel like plunging head on towards whatever dastarded things that will come my way. My spirit's so high and my chakra's so replenished that I only have my eyes dead set on positive things, looking forwards to the thousand beautiful things in this world I keep having blind eyes on.

tbc/// ^^

POUR ME OUT

I wouldn't call myself a pessimist. I wouldn't call myself a settler. Then again, I wouldn't even call myself anything nowadays. That ball of energy, that limitless drive, that air of certainty and that palpable integrity I believe I once valued, they just seemed to have evaporated, simmered gradually and continuously until everything is just about absolutely gone.And it's when you lose the things you treasure about you, that Doubt begins to creep in, tearing at your flesh, sinking its teeth, gnashing and squirming until you feel there's nothing left to do but to breakdown, feel like a failure and question everything. That's what Doubt does to you: it makes you believe that everything is questionable. Any further attempt is and will be futile.

I feel weak at my knees as the ground collapses on me with only one word ringing sonorously inside my head: why?!. 

I may be being depressed and gloomy here, but I assure that you cannot possibly blame me. The sweltering climate of more than 40 degrees Celsius here in UAE ascertains that any threads of hope left with me are melted into a puddle to which the Snake of a Doubt will joyously bathe and slink about. It does seem that Fate wants to meddle with my aspirations not only through spiritual, intangible ways but also through physical. My face is being infested by damn pimples, my skin probably too sensitive from the blasted heat. So now I get to be irritated and defeated when I am and when I'm not looking myself at the mirror, literately.

And oh how Fate she seems to lure me once again, to trick my sanity and tease my heaving daylights. There's a hope after all. I've had previously believed that all paths to my dreams were crashed and pulverized. Fate makes me believe there's still hope.

My phone rings.

My fucktarted phone rings at this very moment while I'm savoring my defeat and basking at the shattered pieces of the things I've worked hard for. My damn phone rings with Fate at the other side of the line. What I heard made me forget about everything else I've wanted and needed to write.

A call from Fate makes me turn my eyes to a winding path barely seen, barely dare, barely thread-able.  My chest constricts at the thought of this wild path closing up on me. I've decided to take it. No matter how fallen and beaten I may seem, it seems indeed that I'm still pulsating, with my blood and instinct driving me for survival. So I hold my breathe and tip toed, approaching the path as slowly as possible, treating it like the ever fragile glass that's keeping my world existing. And I pray. And I hope, that this will be it. Coz I've all poured every ounce of drive and effort I could to achieving my dreams into numerous ways and all of them were thwarted mercilessly in front of my face. I'm so scared now and I'm singing, whispering, reciting and pleading that please, let me have it. Finally, let me have it.

The wind blows ever so softly and it's enough to make me fall down my knees. But I thrive. I still endure the best that I can with whatever that remains with me. Because the ground before me is so fragile. And I cannot stand another fall. I'd die.

Everything is still questionable. Doubt is still resting atop my shoulders, it's head posed to strike at me anytime...but I can't be bothered to give any shit to them because my eyes are so drilled to that windingfucking remaining path.

Pretty please,...

I want to get that job in the govt hospital. I realize I want only to be a Cathlab nurse with good compensation. Let me land this job. Let me have it and you will see me shine the brightest. But first, let my license be approved first... You'll be overwhelmed with my undying fealty.



Pretty fucking please...

I remember how Fate teased me like this with my dreams the last 3 times before. I'm still scarred from the way Fate manhandled me and blatantly insulted my efforts and everything I've worked hard for.

Yet I still can't help but play her game. I'm still lured to this glimpse of hope she's now showing. I'm still following, am still attracted. The leash is on my neck, the reins on her hands and I don't freakin care.


I'm still breathing... though I've long stopped being I was before.



And I want to get them back. Get it back. Get the damn world as a result.