My heart have many desires. One of them I will tell now. The one that caught me by surprise- unaware and unprepared. The one thing I swear I didn't even think of.
I am falling for someone. And I so definitely think he likes men.
Yes.
I am so fucked.
Of all the kinds of men I imagine myself being in love with, he's definitely someone I didn't let myself think about. Since the very moment I met him, I knew deep down that he's never gonna look twice in my direction. I am not the right sex he's batting for. He may not be saying that he's gay but I know. I've been surrounded by homosexuals almost my entire adult life not to recognize even the most subtle of signs. And believe me... he's got loads of them. I can't even remember and fathom when and where it started, this silly little thing of mine. The fact just dawned on me, like an unexpected rain suddenly falling from the sky one summer day. Make it a thunderstorm even, and realize how strong it is for me.
Do you even want to know how this came to be? Do I even want to trace where all of this started?
The fact that he may be gay? It doesn't bother me one bit. I see the person that he is and I think that's the thing that matters most. I might even be liking him for it. I don't know. At this point I'd like to think I'm like an angel. Gender-less. Boundless.
What I know now is that he's someone I'm so attracted to. And I know that he's someone I can see myself living with for the rest of my life. I can see us working out. I can see us getting along fairly well. I don't want to go to whether or not HE can see us working out a future though. I might not even be his type so given the chance he's straight. I just know for myself that with the little time we got to spend together, I already fiercely care for him. I am at his call. He has my fealty and my protective instincts are in gear to support him.
And what about the sexual attraction that has to be present normally for a normal couple to exist? I definitely have strong, pulsating attraction towards him. (So freakin' fucked, that I am). It already has a life of its own at this point. I cannot kill it. Do not want to kill it. The only option left is whether or not I want to fan it so it'll go stronger or I'll have to ignore it so it won't get to a very dangerous level where I might be tempted to tell him about it and risk this beautiful friendship we have now. This newborn relationship I so deeply treasure and care about.
I've never in my entire life met someone I could say I can see myself living with so just saying I can picture him in my life for years to come is saying a lot. Like declaring that I am so on the verge of ruin because I wouldn't for my life be able to quench this fire and affection I have for him. Already he's making me want to be beautiful. Making me want to be magnificent and great. Making me pick up all the pieces of my former self and making me want to revive every fiber of potential I have in my existence. He makes me want to be a wonderful person. Makes me want to try dancing in the rain. So tell me... how can I not love him?
Like every person I ever liked though, he's only gonna be a close friend. We'll be great. We'll stay close for years. I'll be fiercely protective of him. I'll always hold him in high regard. I'll always feel dearly towards him. But I'm only gonna be his friend. Whatever I have for him, however strong this attraction of mine is, I know how to recognize the beautiful things in life. He's already one in mine.
I'm not stupid to be disillusioned. To be delusional. I just know that whatever kind of love this is, no matter if it's right or wrong, platonic or not, or whether or not it'll survive, I know not to touch it. I can only look at it from afar. Can only encase it in a protective shell and appreciate its beauty... because that's what love is, you just treasure it and be grateful for it. I'm not gonna kill that which is living. I'm a cruel person. I'll be cruel to myself. Because in this kind of cruelty, I believe I can find solace and one bright star I can always look up to when I'm feeling forlorn. So yes, I'd opt to be cruel to myself to be able to continue feeling something this unconditional and great towards someone.
He's a formidable one,the apple of my life. I'll tell you about him and maybe then you'll understand.
~~
No comments:
Post a Comment