POUR ME OUT

I wouldn't call myself a pessimist. I wouldn't call myself a settler. Then again, I wouldn't even call myself anything nowadays. That ball of energy, that limitless drive, that air of certainty and that palpable integrity I believe I once valued, they just seemed to have evaporated, simmered gradually and continuously until everything is just about absolutely gone.And it's when you lose the things you treasure about you, that Doubt begins to creep in, tearing at your flesh, sinking its teeth, gnashing and squirming until you feel there's nothing left to do but to breakdown, feel like a failure and question everything. That's what Doubt does to you: it makes you believe that everything is questionable. Any further attempt is and will be futile.

I feel weak at my knees as the ground collapses on me with only one word ringing sonorously inside my head: why?!. 

I may be being depressed and gloomy here, but I assure that you cannot possibly blame me. The sweltering climate of more than 40 degrees Celsius here in UAE ascertains that any threads of hope left with me are melted into a puddle to which the Snake of a Doubt will joyously bathe and slink about. It does seem that Fate wants to meddle with my aspirations not only through spiritual, intangible ways but also through physical. My face is being infested by damn pimples, my skin probably too sensitive from the blasted heat. So now I get to be irritated and defeated when I am and when I'm not looking myself at the mirror, literately.

And oh how Fate she seems to lure me once again, to trick my sanity and tease my heaving daylights. There's a hope after all. I've had previously believed that all paths to my dreams were crashed and pulverized. Fate makes me believe there's still hope.

My phone rings.

My fucktarted phone rings at this very moment while I'm savoring my defeat and basking at the shattered pieces of the things I've worked hard for. My damn phone rings with Fate at the other side of the line. What I heard made me forget about everything else I've wanted and needed to write.

A call from Fate makes me turn my eyes to a winding path barely seen, barely dare, barely thread-able.  My chest constricts at the thought of this wild path closing up on me. I've decided to take it. No matter how fallen and beaten I may seem, it seems indeed that I'm still pulsating, with my blood and instinct driving me for survival. So I hold my breathe and tip toed, approaching the path as slowly as possible, treating it like the ever fragile glass that's keeping my world existing. And I pray. And I hope, that this will be it. Coz I've all poured every ounce of drive and effort I could to achieving my dreams into numerous ways and all of them were thwarted mercilessly in front of my face. I'm so scared now and I'm singing, whispering, reciting and pleading that please, let me have it. Finally, let me have it.

The wind blows ever so softly and it's enough to make me fall down my knees. But I thrive. I still endure the best that I can with whatever that remains with me. Because the ground before me is so fragile. And I cannot stand another fall. I'd die.

Everything is still questionable. Doubt is still resting atop my shoulders, it's head posed to strike at me anytime...but I can't be bothered to give any shit to them because my eyes are so drilled to that windingfucking remaining path.

Pretty please,...

I want to get that job in the govt hospital. I realize I want only to be a Cathlab nurse with good compensation. Let me land this job. Let me have it and you will see me shine the brightest. But first, let my license be approved first... You'll be overwhelmed with my undying fealty.



Pretty fucking please...

I remember how Fate teased me like this with my dreams the last 3 times before. I'm still scarred from the way Fate manhandled me and blatantly insulted my efforts and everything I've worked hard for.

Yet I still can't help but play her game. I'm still lured to this glimpse of hope she's now showing. I'm still following, am still attracted. The leash is on my neck, the reins on her hands and I don't freakin care.


I'm still breathing... though I've long stopped being I was before.



And I want to get them back. Get it back. Get the damn world as a result.